Sunday, May 15, 2011

People are "Hard to follow"... Oh wait it's my own "Biggest Flaw" coming back to bite me... Ouch!

Let' go back to the "Struggles of a Gemini" for just a moment... "Gemini's have a lot of acquaintances but not a lot of really close friends". This seems true for me, I have a lot of friends (acquaintances if you will) but my group of tight friends is very small. So here is the dilemma plaguing me right now. How do you not let it bother you when one of the "close friends" drops out of your club? For no reason at all, no explanation, no fight, nothing... one day everything is great, the next they're gone. I try and think to myself, it's their loss cause I am awesome and if they don't want to be around the coolest chic in town then so be it, but no matter what I tell myself it still bugs me. As much as I think it's totally random and I don't understand... I guess I do, in a sense because I myself have done the very same thing... another downfall of the Gemini. I have walked out (more than once) on one of the most amazing people I know because in my head it was going to happen either way and I wanted it to be on my terms... Thankfully she has allowed me to redeem myself, albeit it was 11 years later but I am grateful (love you A).

Why do I do this. Why do I push people away. Why do I always try and run for the hills 5 steps ahead of my fears. It's like, when I think someone is distancing themselves from me, regardless of the reason I take off running. I do it all the time and now, that it's being done to me I am left confused and well kind of lost. I guess it's a negative trait that I have had all my life and my eyes have been open to it. Perhaps now I will be more conscious of it when I am doing it and stop before I leave someone else lost and confused. Perhaps I am reading to much into nothing... ok I know that's not that case but it made me feel better saying it. Why does it all have to be so damn complicated.

Ok, off my Gemini, whoa is me, soap box and back down on the floor. This has been a hard day for me. Not sure what triggered it, but Bryce has been weighing very heavy on my heart today. I wore his thumbprint necklace today and rubbed my thumb in his, pretty much all day. All I can think about is that amazing smile of his and how he made everyone around him smile. Wade keeps talking about Bryce too, like we are both hurting but don't know how to express it. So I decided we needed a little "Mommy and Wade" time. We had McDonald's in the park and enjoyed a very beautiful day! I ended my day listening to Rascal Flatts songs that make my heart hurt even more and watching a video I took of Bryce playing when we were at the hospital.

God I miss that kid SO much. People always post comments about how "God is Great" and all I can think is "Of course he is... he has MY kid sitting next to him giving him advice".

Today I leave you with this. Cherish your friends, you never know when they will have completed their mission in your life and be gone. Enjoy the time you have with your family, the smallest moments could be the memories that last a lifetime. Take lots of pictures and videos, just in case one day it is all that you have. And find your flaws so that you can work on them, you never know when one of your own flaws will be used against you...the flip side is no fun!

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So, don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your present or future.

1 comment:

  1. Amy, you are doing great! Dealing with a death is the hardest thing you will ever do. You will look back and realize how far you came. It isn't easy with the ups and downs but there will come a day where you will have more ups than downs.

    Kathy W