Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Accepting change... And I'm not talking about Coins!

A baby is born, your whole world is turned upside down. You have been given the responsibility of caring for a little person. Making sure they are clothed, fed, happy. You lose countless hours of sleep and think to yourself how am I every going to survive this as you change your whole world so that it revolves around them.

Your baby is diagnosed with Cancer... your whole world is turned upside down. You have now been given the biggest challenge of your life. Nothing else matters, all there is is that child. Everything revolves around them, making sure that they are at all the Dr's appointments, making sure that they take all of their medication, making sure that they don't spike a fever in the middle of the night that would require a trip to the emergency room. You wonder am I ever going to survive sleeping at the hospital, eating all the junk food (why don't hospitals have healthy options?), and not being able to spend time with the rest of your family.

Your baby dies... your whole world is turned upside down. You now have to figure out how to live. Your heart is ripped open, you no longer have obligations, you have A LOT of time on your hands and nothing to fill it with. You don't want to get out of bed (ironic considering your bed is what you have longed for for a very long time). You lose interest in just about everything and find that you don't want to go anywhere, do anything, see anyone... and yet these are the things that you actually yearn for. Friends, to take your mind of things. Places to go, to get you out of bed. Your family, to grab your hand and pull you out of the darkness that has surrounded you.

I thought I was doing well, I thought I had found my way back. I thought that perhaps everything was going to be ok and then I realized I was moping around again. WHY... WHY am I moping around? Why have I reverted back to the doesn't get out of bed, can't take a shower, would rather not see anyone, please leave me alone cranky bitch that I tried so hard to overcome. Oh that's because I have given up all my vices... yes, like a child's security blanket, binky, stuffed animal, etc... I have given up my bad habits and it's making me miserable.

Oh where to start. I have spent my entire life trying to "stop biting my nails" so why not now... Yes my friends I have FINALLY stopped biting my nails. I don't know how this came about, but it has and it's killing me because it was my "comfort". I am also on a diet, which is working but making me miserable. Why you ask... because Bryce was only 25 days old when he was diagnosed with Cancer. I never got a chance to lose the "baby weight" before we were thrown into quick service, hospital cafeterias and junk. Anything you could find that would fill you up for a significant amount of time because you never knew when you would have a chance to grab another meal. So now I have committed to a diet that IS working. I have lost 15 lbs so far and have about 20lbs more to get to my goal. That's awesome I know, thanks... but I want a BURGER, I want BBQ, I want PIZZA... I want to EAT!

So let's recap the "Changes" we have been through the past 4 months... Bryce earned his "angel wings". I stopped biting my nails, we (George and I both) are on a diet... AND we bought a new car and a house. Ok so the house doesn't really count we have lived in it for the last 4 years we just finally (and officially) took over the mortgage. I'm tired and I don't think I can accept anymore changes right now. So if we are out and about please tell them "keep the change"

If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. ~Mary Engelbreit

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