I don't even know where to start. This post has been started, erased, restarted, erased again. My mind is all over the place, I am in a place right now where my mind can't keep up with me, so I apologize if this is choppy or seems unfinished. I have been very tired, but unable to sleep. I have had headaches but no sickness with it. I have been motivated but can't possibly get out of bed to do anything. I need to clean the house, I need to clean the garage, I need to do the laundry, I need to go to work...and yet I have no desire to do anything. Is this depression, is this my body finally saying you don't have to be strong anymore lets take a little time to download and process. They say grief comes in stages, is this another stage? Have I finally been given downtime that I was not privy to when Bryce died? How on earth do I get people to understand that I am not blowing them off, I am not trying to be a bad friend...what I am is a broken hearted mommy that is being "selfishly lazy".
As we are coming up on 6 months without Bryce, George has come across the "National Angel Quilt". We have both said that we will do EVERYTHING possible to spread the word about Childhood Cancer and help to raise funds to find a cure, so George contacted them to have Bryce added to the Quilt. We have chosen this picture to adorn the Quilt as it tours the US. We will also be able to write on it, we have chosen some quotes and a few special comments about Bryce. The Quilt also has a book that tours with it sharing the Children's Journeys. I am so honored that Bryce will be included in this amazing opportunity to spread awareness!
National Angel Quilt:http://makenoise4kids.org/about.cfm
We are also getting closer to September when I will be joining the 46 Mommas in Washington D.C. where we will stand together as one for the kids. As Momma Mindi said the other day ... "Hair grows back... Kids Don't". I can't wait to meet the most amazing Momma's I know... You don't know strength and determination until you have met a Cancer Momma (or Daddy)!
Depression, is not a sign of being weak. It is a sign that you have had to be so strong for too long
~ Unknown
Even in your proclaimed laziness, you are still doing something....you are raising awareness. Be lazy - do what you have to do in order to go through your stages of grief, no matter how fast or slow you go through them. The proverbial 'they' didn't write a book on parenting - and they sure as heck didn't write a book on parenting with a child in Heaven. You need to write your own book..
ReplyDeletePrayers and thoughts....
Amy~
ReplyDeleteFirst ~ *RAWR* I wish that were my quote, I think it came from a class of '10 Momma, but I use it prolifically. I seriously want to have it tattooed on my bald noggin while in DC.
Second ~ I. Hear. You. Loud. And. Clear. When G and I finally returned HomeHome after being gone for 15 months, I could not get motivated to do anything. I used every distraction technique I could find and took naps every day. It was the first time since diagnosis that I had SOME energy to process what we had been through. Considering the level of stress, anxiety and fear that we experience, it takes it's toll on our bodies and our psyche. Take the time. Let the little things go. Release the guilt. You have the added stress of a life long grief. Dwell where you need to. We are here, at your side, lifting you up as you go. Helping in little ways to share your burden. It's not much, but here we are.
I love you, Momma. Cannot wait to give you a *fierce squeeze* in the flesh. Loving every ounce of your existence.
Love, love, love.....