George and I were talking last night about life. The ugly truth about Childhood Cancer, is that it is SO different from Adult Cancers.... Childhood Cancers (for the most part) have no reason, there are no environmental triggers, in most cases the "experts" have no idea what causes them, therefore they can not be screened for, they can not be pre-tested, and "genetic" history makes no difference... they just simply don't know WHAT causes them. That's scary... What's even harder to grasp is that these kids have a HUGE risk of getting secondary cancers when they are older because of the Chemo and Radiation. Try that one on for size! They spend months or years fighting for their lives, they are deemed "in remission" only to have 3-4-5 years go by and BAM back in the fight again. Our conversation was one a parent would never expect to have, talking about their deceased child that they miss very dearly and saying... neither situation is "the lucky one". I can not sit here and say my situation is any worse than anyone else in this battle. My friends whose children are "in remission" are so very blessed to have their children with them, to be able to spend time loving and hugging them, but they also have the fear of the next scans, the what ifs, the when will it all fall apart again, they are never "really" out of the fight. While we are all fighting for a CURE and we are all looking for the WHYS... the here and now is still so precarious regardless of the outcome.
6 months ago Bryce earned his angel wings. My biggest battle right now is trying to make people realize that life does not "go on". You don't "get over it". Things don't go back to "normal". George and I have been pulling closer together, we have been unintentionally distancing ourselves from people in our lives. We learned early on in Bryce's illness which friends we could rely on and which ones would be there for us. We clung to them and relied on them to keep us sane. Now that Bryce is gone we are realizing which friends are still trying to understand us and our situation and not expecting us to be "normal". I don't want people to think that every "bad" mood I am in revolves around Bryce and I certainly don't want to be using my heartbreak as a crutch...what I am saying is that when I say I am in a Bryce mood and I really don't want to talk to anyone, kinda just want to lay in bed and watch TV... I expect my friends to say I understand call me later if you want to or I will call you tomorrow... basically what I am saying is that this was my child... my son... a piece of my heart...and when I am having a Bryce Day please try and understand that. I am trying really hard to surround myself with the people that are healthy in supporting my ups and downs.... Most of you know that I am very upbeat and genuinely the sarcastic funny friend, but sometimes I need ME time, there is no telling what the trigger will be, there is no guarantee something I saw or did yesterday won't affect me today... it's hard to understand but that's me. I've been in Bryce's room hundreds of times, its the playroom now, but today, for some reason the smell of the Scentsy got me... What can I say!