I have been having a hard week. A combination of things have been weighing heavy on my heart, several times this week I have told George I just wish that I could get out of my head for a little bit. My hormones are all over the place after the miscarriage, September 11 has caused a lot of hard questions from Wade, We are 8 months without Bryce (and it does NOT get any easier) and I really just want to go HOME!
Where to start... Hmmmm... I can't sleep tonight so I started watching the DVR. I decided to watch "Anderson" (Anderson Cooper's new Daytime Talk Show). Today was the first day and he was interviewing Amy Winehouse's family. I really don't know a lot about Amy Winehouse, I really never heard her music or much of anything other than the negative stories that were published. Listening to her parents talk was very touching. It had me crying and remembering to never judge people, you just don't know their story. But one thing that her mom said was that what gets her through this hard time is when people thank her for having Amy. When fans tell her how much she meant to them, and what they have done to better themselves because of her.... That made me stop and think of Bryce. It made me want to say THANK YOU all for everything. I can't even begin to tell you all how much it means to know that Bryce (in 22 short months here on earth) made such a difference to so many people. It is very touching reading emails from people that I have never met telling me what Bryce meant to them, seeing Bryce's picture all over facebook (in honor of Childhood Cancer Awareness)...today I saw that someone in CHINA had Bryce's picture as their profile picture...AMAZING (thank you Liz for sharing his story). The gifts we have received have been so special and meaningful (homemade picture frames, necklaces, stuffed animals, songs written for Bryce, Poems, etc)... I also wanted to thank everyone that has donated to the 46 Mommas Shave For the Brave http://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/mypage/participantid/414671 my goal was $1000... and as we approach the event I am humbled by everyone's generosity as I am nearing $6000! I also wanted to share a conversation that George and I had tonight... We are very much advocates for childhood cancer awareness, we are very active in the support of our friends who are still in the battle, we are trying to make sure that other families and kids get a chance at life through fundraising, BUT what is most important to us and what makes us so proud is when we are contacted (through email, Facebook, etc) by teenagers that have come across Bryce's story and have been inspired. Some have become inspired so much by the amazing kids that they are pursuing careers in Oncology, they are spreading awareness throughout the younger generation and maybe, just maybe through their compassion and love we can find a cure in the future! You guys are amazing...
Have you ever wondered what a 5 year old thinks of death, or losing a sibling. Since they don't totally grasp the concept but they know it's not right they might seem a little forward, but I would like to share what Wade has been saying lately! This month Chili's Restaurants are doing their "Create-A-Pepper" campaign supporting St Jude's. Our local Chili's has been a staple in our "journey" so we go there often. On the first day of the fundraiser we were at Chili's (we are always the first Pepper hung at our Chili's) and the people at the table next to us weren't coloring a pepper... Wade says VERY loudly "Hey why aren't they coloring a pepper don't they have someone that has died like Brycie".... Another evening at Chili's he said "why are we coloring these peppers" and I said "Well they are raising money to help kids like Bryce" Wade then sat for a minute, you could tell he was trying to process what I just said and with a look of confusion he said "Um... Why are they raising money for dead kids" guess I needed to rephrase that one. One day in the car Wade and I were just chatting and he said "Mommy when I die will there be a video of me on the computer for everyone to watch", I said "Wade honey, you are going to live a very long time, you will be a very fine young man, you will be a daddy and a grandpa" he then cut me off and said "whoa whoa whoa... why do I have to be a grandpa", it was SO funny, then I said "Don't you think grandpa has more fun than daddy" and he said "Oh yea I guess...that'll be ok". But I think the hardest thing has been September 11, he has asked SO many questions, he wants to know why Bryce can't ever come back, and he wants to know if all those people that died are with Bryce. He then went on to ask if I was going to die and what would happen to him if I did. It was a very hard conversation and we cried together! Wade makes me so proud though, I am so glad that he asks the questions, no matter how hard they are for me to answer. I am so glad that he is comfortable crying and saying he misses Bryce and doesn't understand. We set up a computer in Wade's room so that he could do his school learning games online and he put a picture of Bryce right next to the monitor saying, it was "now" perfect. And then today when we picked him up at school the whole courtyard had sidewalk chalk drawings so we asked him where his was...he brought us right over to his and said it's right here, as George and I looked down we were almost in tears when we saw his drawing--- the cancer ribbon--- we said is that a ribbon and he said "yes, I was missing Bryce and it made me happy" DEEP BREATH!
On to my desire to go HOME... My sister and her family moved to Texas on a whim, my mom soon followed, after 2 years of begging George and I finally gave in and moved to be closer to them. We are both to the point now that we feel Texas has run it's course and we want to go HOME. We moved here before Bryce was born, but we both think that it was fate as Texas was the absolute best place for us to be for Bryce. The hospitals here are great and having my family available to help with Wade, the dogs and lots of support was the best thing for us but now we feel like our hearts have always been in Florida, we miss our friends, we miss our HOME. We both love our jobs here in Texas and wish that we could pack them up and move them to Florida. I don't regret moving here at all, I think it has given us great opportunities, it was the best place for Bryce, my family is here, we have awesome jobs that we love, but as they say "home is where the heart is"!
Home is not where you live but where they understand you. ~Christian Morgenstern
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