Friday, April 29, 2011
Under the Radar!
I really didn't think it was going to be this hard being happy for other people. I was not really expecting to have feelings of... um... disappointment and jealousy... when hearing great stories from our friends. Disappointment that our journey did not turn out the way we had hoped, disappointed that Bryce's plan was not the plan that we had for him... Jealous that other kids are in remission, doing great, given the opportunity to live their lives. Then I feel guilty because of these feelings. I mean really... of course I am ecstatic to hear that my friends children had clear scans... of course I am thrilled to hear about fabulous Make A Wish trips (which we never got the chance to take). Of course these things touch my heart... but WHY couldn't Bryce have these things. Why did he die... Why was he not given a chance. There are no answers to these questions. There is nothing that can change the outcome, we did all that we could do, there is a bigger plan for each of us, yes I know all this but it doesn't heal the broken heart!
Recently I have pulled away, away from friends, away from the "cancer world". I just can't do it right now. I want to be out there, I want to be supportive, I want to raise money and awareness, I want to be THAT mom, the pissed off one that stands on the White House Lawn yelling... What about the kids... but I can't. I simply can't right now. My confession to everyone is this... If you see me "online" on Facebook, you have been hand chosen to do so. I am on there ALL the time, but I have created a small group of people that can IM me when I am there. I appreciate ALL of my friends, I love each and every one of you, but I just can't do it. When I read my news feed MOST posts are blocked because I simply can not read "So and So needs your prayers", "Praise God, So and So is NED"... My really close Mommas are visible and my close "non cancer" friends are visible, but I just can't read all the other posts. My heart can't take it... I have fallen so far behind on my emails and messages. I don't want anyone to feel like I am ignoring them and/or that they are not important enough for a response... I read the messages and then say, Oh i'll get back to that and I forget.
I am not trying to alienate anyone, or say that someone is less important than someone else. I am so very appreciative of everyone that has supported us... I am definitely NOT saying that I don't want to hear how the kids are doing or how my friends trips where. I am just saying that I am "flying under the radar" right now. Trying to make it not an every moment of every day thing. Trying to be "Wade's Mom". It's very hard to figure out how we are "suppose to be" and what "normal" is suppose to look like.
George had a moment the other day... He took Wade to the Little Gym and he was talking to some of the other parents there. We had brought Bryce to several of Wade's classes but this is a new class. In the conversation someone asked if Wade was George's only child and he said yes... As heartbreaking as the answer is and how much it hurts spilling out of your mouth, it was just easier than having to A) answer the millions of questions or B) Kill the conversation. George was heartbroken after the conversation because he felt like he wronged Bryce. It's such a hard position to be in... It's a lose lose and we LOST!