For the first time since I started blogging, I am going to open up about ME. I try and always be upbeat and inspirational, yes yes there will still be some inspirational, crazy quote at the end, but today I decided to put out the other side. It is what makes me most vulnerable, it is what is taking me down, it is what scares me…problem is, I don’t know exactly what “IT” is.
Get out of my head… That’s what I keep telling myself. I can’t turn off my mind. I think I am going crazy sometimes as I obsess over things. Is it Post Traumatic Stress, Is it an anxiety or panic attack, is it something more that I just don’t know. Am I stupid for not taking my Dr up on a prescription for Zoloft or Prozac… This all really started a few weeks ago. I am having a really hard time and it is starting to consume most of my life and almost all of my thoughts. Has life just “caught up to me” or have I finally taken a moment to “try and breathe”? Here goes… Welcome to my “Crazyland”
A few weeks a go I started feeling a little anxiety, I figured it was just because the 46 Mommas Shave was coming up and I was not sure what that was going to bring, emotionally. I started having a really hard time breathing. I feel like I can not get a deep enough breathe. I don’t feel like I “can’t breathe” I just feel like I need to take a really deep breathe and it won’t come, my chest gets really tight and I don’t ever feel like I got enough air. Everything I have read on line about this points towards anxiety and stress but I don’t know how to control it. I get very panicked when this happens and every thought runs through my head. Am I going to pass out, Am I going to have a heart attack, Am I going to die… why can’t I get a deep breath. It is very scary and then my imagination sores. I told my Dr I feel like a hypochondriac going through every possible scenario in my head to the point where I freak myself out and can’t calm down.
As I sit here thinking about it I am like, um yeah—you have a “little stress” in life. I mean I lost my son, had a miscarriage, am dealing with regaining my relationship with Wade and George, trying to figure out a new family dynamic on top of working and trying to keep everything as normal as possible. Add to that the 46 Mommas Shave and Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. I am SO beyond honored that everyone changed their photos to Bryce on Facebook. It makes my heart smile to get emails from strangers telling us how much Bryce has affected their lives… I love that everyone wants to use his picture for fundraisers and awareness videos. I am SO proud that I am the mother to such an inspiring little man. But I think I became so overwhelmed with everything, going online and not being able to tell who is actually “on” line because every picture is Bryce. Looking at all the amazing photos that have been posted raising awareness and watching the videos… I actually get disappointed when I see videos and Bryce is NOT in them. It’s crazy, it’s amazing, it’s stressful. Then there was the shave. I am so honored to be a part of an amazing group of Mommas, I am so proud of all our accomplishments, the amount of money raised and the amount of people that have been made more aware by our presence. But as one of the 2010 Mommas pointed out, you don’t expect the Lows. You don’t realize the social anxiety that comes with the decision to shave your head. Everyone has told me that I am beautiful, that they are proud, that I am so strong and so amazing but truth be told I am hiding behind a hat… everyday when I leave the house I find the perfect hat to cover my head. I am an awesome advocate behind the computer screen, I can talk to everyone and anyone that wants to listen, but I can’t put the “Ask me why I’m bald” button on and walk out of the front door. I feel socially awkward instead of empowered and bold. I feel like everyone is staring at me and not wanting to ask, even though I have a button that says so. I feel like I want to start a conversation off with this was for my son. This was a $6000 donation of money and a wonderful gift of hair… But I can’t because then everyone WOULD stare at me and think… this chick is off her rocker! Will this pass, will I be able to get my identity back, when will I be able to breathe, should I take the medication (even just for a little while to get myself back on track)… or is there something else. Am I sick, is it not anxiety and stress, is it possible that I have something medically wrong causing my breathing to be labored… perhaps I am just the Crazy chic living in Crazyland trying to recover from 2 Crazy years and trying to recover from an unfair & heartbreaking experience!
Wow…I just laid my whole heart out…my thoughts and my fears. As I sat on the airplane heading to
Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths. ~Etty Hillesum