Friday, November 4, 2011
They say that the Holidays are the hardest time of year, I never really understood that before, I LOVE the holidays. You get extra family time, there is a chill in the weather (maybe even snow), people get very festive with decorations, You get holiday pay, Starbucks has the best coffee options ever... what more could you ask for? This year, short of the fabulous Starbuck's flavors I can't wait for the holidays to be over. My heartaches so much... We will start with Halloween...
I started getting anxiety over Halloween a few days prior. Wade was so excited about going Trick or Treating; he was going to be a Fireman...again... and could not wait to go get some candy. Thoughts of last year came rushing back, taking Bryce for the first time, watching him "help himself" to everyone's candy bowl and not being scolded because everyone thought he was so adorable. I started getting a little stressed over the whole event but Wade was so excited so... As we are getting ready to head out Wade asked for his pumpkin bucket instead of his bag, I grabbed the pumpkin and he turned to me and said "this is Bryce's pumpkin Momma, mine has the Mickey Ears". Deep Breath, yes indeed it was Bryce's Pumpkin. We had a great time Trick or Treating, the whole family and suddenly George stopped and said "which house is Shadow", Oh I had forgotten about Shadow... as we started to walk up the driveway I said "George this is it, are you ok". See last year when we went to this house the family’s dog "Shadow" came to the front door and ran right up to Bryce who proceeded to plop down on the ground to play with him. Shadow's owner was shocked, explaining to us that Shadow is a rescue dog and shy's away from everyone, he will come to the door but usually hides behind him he never "goes out to greet people" and here he was sitting with Bryce. As Shadow came running to the door this year, he followed suit... ran to the door wagging his tail got all excited until the door was opened and then shy'd back! Another Deep Breath!!!
Now as we head into the heart of the holidays my heart hurts! I am so thankful for the things that I have. I am thankful for George and Wade, for my family and my awesome friends. I am thankful that we have jobs, a house, cars and clothing. I am thankful that Bryce was able to make such a huge impact in so many lives and I am SO thankful that I was chosen to be his mother! But I am a very broken hearted Mommy. I miss my baby so much and I am not sure how I am going to get through this next couple of months.
Last year we took the kids to Disney World and on the Disney Cruise the first week of December, which would turn out to be our last family vacation. Upon return to Texas Bryce was admitted to the hospital where we spent the next 22 days praying for a miracle that never came. I don't know how I am going to be able to get through this... Most people have a single day, the day that their loved one passed away; most people don't have to live with the agony of knowing that it's coming but not knowing when. December 15-Jan 6 were the worst days of my life... the most agonizing and heartbreaking moments a parent could ever go through. Watching your child slowly slip away from you. Hoping for a miracle but knowing that even Hope had no "hope" here.
Tis the season and we are trying to figure out how to make it a good Holiday full of new memories and lots of love. My friend told me yesterday that it may take a little time but at some point you will give yourself permission to be happy again. Right now it's still very fresh as you are hitting all the firsts... but you will find a way to make new memories and move forward in life without feeling like you can't because Bryce isn't with you. With that said we have decided to go on the Disney Cruise again this December. We know that Wade will LOVE it and it is the Disney Dream so it will be an all new ship for George and I. A start to new happy memories on the very day that our world was rocked to the core! Bryce... I promise to find your hammock on Castaway Cay and take a moment to be thankful for everything you taught me! I love you Monkey...
Everyone must take time to sit and watch the leaves turn. ~Elizabeth Lawrence