Destiny or "Choose Your Own Adventure" ... You decide!

Life, it's full of ups and downs, detours and obstacles. How we choose to get around those obstacles is a decision we have to make when we reach "the fork in the road". But what if destiny does exist what if our lives really are mapped out for us, what if it's not really a "Choose Your Own Adventure"? Is it possible that everything really does happen for a reason and that we need to just have faith that something amazing will come of what we have been through. Let's see where the "crazy" lady is going with this shall we.

Yesterday American Airlines announced that it was going to "spin off"...polite way of saying Get Rid Off... American Eagle, the regional carrier. This has been the buzz for several years but the official announcement was made yesterday and is really kind of devastating for someone who say...works for American Eagle Airlines... like oh ME! My Facebook news feed has been blowing up with friends freaking out over what a "Spin off" means for us, where does that leave us, what does that mean...will we have jobs, will the company be able to stand alone? After everything that we have been through the past 2 years with Bryce, I calmly said to my mom, when she too started getting worried about "what that means" ... I am not worried at all. What it means is possibilities, it means change, it means new direction...what ever happens George and I will be ok. I LOVE my job, I love working for the airline, I love having the ability to travel, I really enjoy the position that I am in, but I am not going to stress myself out over what the future holds as no one really knows right now. I will "choose my adventure" when the fork in the road appears, until then it's business as usual.

Have you ever had a conversation with one of your parents where you sit there staring at them wondering who is sitting across the table from you. It can't possibly be "MY" mom, the words coming out of her mouth are far from what I expected to hear. Well, yesterday at lunch my mom and I were talking about the future and the possibilities of American Eagle changing completely. I was expecting my mom to say things like "what about money, you have bills to pay", "Be responsible, maybe you should look for another job now"... But instead she said, I think the Airline was given to you at a time that you needed it. Disney was a great experience for you but the Health Insurance would not have been able to support Bryce's needs as well as American did. You were brought to Texas because it was the best place for Bryce (mind you Bryce was born 2 years after we moved here). You had access to the best hospitals, American Airlines provided an outstanding Health Care Plan and the position you were in offered you a very flexible schedule so you were able to work while Bryce was in treatment. Perhaps now "that journey" is coming to an end. Wow, mom...WOW.

I Love my job and will stay with it as long as it exists. If American Eagle stands strong I want nothing more than to stand beside it and continue working. But if the company can not stand on its own or can not find another Mainline Carrier to partner with, I kind of want to try my hand at full time "mommy". For my friends that know me well, you can get up off the floor now... I know you just fell out of your chairs. But, Bryce has changed so much in my heart. Wade starts Kindergarten next month. I want to get up in the morning and make him breakfast, taking him to school and then come home, clean the house, run errands, get dinner going and then go back and pick him up from school. I don't want to have to rely on after care or my mom. I want to be Susie Homemaker, cooking (yes yes I know I would need to take lessons on that one), cleaning, and taking care of my family. Life comes at you so fast, people really need to slow down and realize that family and friends are what's important, not "things". I want to be able to enjoy life more, play at the park (when it's not 100 plus degrees outside), do what Wade wants to... dinner at 6pm at the dining room table, as a family... Perhaps our parents, and grandparents, were on to something there!

So as my "Choose Your Own Adventure" book comes to a Fork in the road I hope that "destiny" or Bryce can find a way to make it the most amazing option possible for our next adventure!

If you can find a path with no obstacles, it

probably doesn't lead anywhere. ~Frank A. Clark

The Unpacked Suitcase... Sitting in the corner, waiting on life to resume...

Have you ever scoured the house looking for a piece of clothing. You know the last time you wore it but can't seem to figure out where you put it. It hasn't been seen since... Hmmmmmm.... today Hmmmmmm became a realization! 212 days ago, 7 months, December 14, 2010 we returned home from our Walt Disney World/Disney Cruise Line Vacation. 7 months ago and the suitcases were never unpacked. I came across them today, and realized "that's where that is". Strange how life just gets put on hold. Bryce started to show signs of fatigue on our vacation, he was tired a lot and wanted to be held. We figured it was just a long trip and his sleep pattern was messed up, I mean it couldn't be the cancer he was doing so good. It was at the airport waiting for the flight home that we really started to get worried and called the oncologist for advice... Bring him in as soon as you get back, was what we were told. The next day we were at the hospital with him and he was immediately admitted... this was the last admission. December 14, 2010 thru January 6, 2011... as our world stopped and then crashed down around us the suitcases from our fabulously wonderful family vacation were dropped at the front door to remain pushed aside, no longer important. Today I was moving things around and realized, they were still packed!

Another realization from today, I lost a filling 2 years ago! Has it really been that long? I went to the dentist today and they asked me when I lost the filling, I kind of laughed and said 2 years ago. The look of astonishment on their faces was filled with disappointment as the Dentist said "Do I need to give you a lecture right now" and I replied "No, my son was battling cancer for the last 2 years and passed away in January I have been a little preoccupied and finally have time to take a breath and take care of my needs"... Yea that pretty much stopped the conversation. His reply, like most everyone else was "O' my, wow... I'm sorry" then he said "No lecture for you today". As I braved it through the appointment (I'm not a fan of the dentist) it was time for me to get my next appointments set up and pay. As I was sitting there going over the work that needed to be done (Root Canal with a crown...O yes, I am so looking forward to that) it took ALL in my power not to cry. My emotional side was already tapped by having to tell the cancer story, but then the song "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me came on the radio. Que the water works... NO YOU MUST HOLD BACK, Don't cry Don't cry!!!

So now I am trying to find ways to cheer myself up. I have the evening alone, me thinks it's time for some ChocoVine (chocolate wine... the best stuff EVER) and some Franklin and Bash followed by The Glades!!! Now if only we could get California to share some of their cooler weather with the rest of the US we'd be all set... I mean a high of 69 degrees in San Francisco while it's a heat index of 110 degrees in Dallas/Fort Worth... Does that really seem fair? I think NOT!

Much love to everyone and remember, when you can't find your clothes, check the suitcases from your vacation they maybe be still sitting in the corner waiting on life to resume!

Memory is a child walking along a seashore. You never can tell what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things.

~Pierce Harris, Atlanta Journal

Sending Hugs to "the Angel Playground in the Sky"... Love you Bryce

Words can not describe how I feel right now. I grew up in Pinellas County and moved to Orlando when I was 19... so Yes, I fell prey to the Casey Anthony Trial. I have followed this since the day they reported Caylee missing. All I have to say right now is I MISS YOU SO MUCH BRYCE. Mommy loves you more than I can ever express. I would give anything in this world to hug you and love on you. I miss you more every single day that goes by. My heart is forever broken that you are not here with us. It is appalling to me to watch a mother day in and day out show no emotion that their child has died, it makes me angry and mad to see her partying and out living it up while her child is gone, "supposedly missing". Not a day of my life will go by that I will not have a broken heart, not a day will go by that I don't think of what we lost, not a day will go by that I will not think "Bryce would love this".

My thoughts on the verdict: I believe Casey is guilty, I believe she accidentally killed her daughter, I believe she is a whack job and a liar... BUT we need to remember that our society is based on innocent until PROVEN guilty. Not Guilty based on the information provided does not mean Innocent, it means reasonable doubt! Not Guilty does NOT mean Innocent... The family is destroyed, the stigma will remain forever and someday she will have to answer to Caylee... What makes me MAD is that there was a case in MA in April where a CANCER MOMMA was convicted of attempted murder, child endangerment and assault and battery for withholding Chemo from her autistic cancer-stricken son. REALLY, a mother who's son has relapsed makes the decision to NOT continue with chemo is convicted of his murder... Are you kidding me... Have you ever witnessed cancer treatment, have you ever seen what these kids (or anyone for that matter) go through. A mother loving her son and giving the ultimate sacrifice to stop treatment is convicted of attempted murder... but Casey Anthony gets to live the rest of her life free of responsibility.

These are my opinions and I know that everyone has their own thoughts about this case as it was so Highly publicized. But let's remember that she is really the only one that knows what really happened. She is the one that will have to answer to Caylee someday as I am sure that God will place her in her path first. No mother would allow their child to go missing for 31 days without telling anyone, this is my biggest hang up... but a jury of her peers has decided that she is not guilty, it is what makes the USA different from other countries and we need to respect that.

I will now go back to actively helping, advocating, supporting and loving my Cancer families. I will now turn off CNN and remember the 46 families that are getting the heartbreaking news that their children will be embarking on the battle of a lifetime... that families will be saying tearful goodbyes to their precious angels today, tomorrow and everyday until we find a CURE. Sending LOVE, HOPE and PEACE!

Just one last note... THIS is a memorial tattoo... It does not talk about "The Beautiful Life" it reminds me EVERY DAY that MY son is an angel at the hands of Childhood Cancer and it gives me strength to continue on my mission to find a cure for the Children still battling the beast!

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. ~Norm Crosby

The Sweet Smell of Sweet Pea and Vanilla = Wall of Emotions

A wall of emotion... Literally. This painting was created in the Hospital Clinic to adorn the construction wall for the new wing. The outer ring of footprints are Bryce's. For those of you that don't know this painting is now hanging in our playroom "Bryce's Room" as the staff so graciously gave it to us when he passed away. Today I started cleaning the house, picking up Wade's toys and trying to get them organized, as I opened the door to the playroom I broke down. There was Bryce's painting surrounded by family photos and Bryce's Prayer Bears from the hospital. The smell of the room brought me back to the last few weeks in the hospital. Bryce was given a "Scentsy Bear" with a Sweet Pea and Vanilla sent pack. Since Wade has been in Florida I have had the bedroom doors closed (so the dogs don't go in there) and the smell of this sent pack was engulfing the room. In that moment I closed my eyes and I was back in that hospital room, the scent...Bryce!

George and I were talking last night about life. The ugly truth about Childhood Cancer, is that it is SO different from Adult Cancers.... Childhood Cancers (for the most part) have no reason, there are no environmental triggers, in most cases the "experts" have no idea what causes them, therefore they can not be screened for, they can not be pre-tested, and "genetic" history makes no difference... they just simply don't know WHAT causes them. That's scary... What's even harder to grasp is that these kids have a HUGE risk of getting secondary cancers when they are older because of the Chemo and Radiation. Try that one on for size! They spend months or years fighting for their lives, they are deemed "in remission" only to have 3-4-5 years go by and BAM back in the fight again. Our conversation was one a parent would never expect to have, talking about their deceased child that they miss very dearly and saying... neither situation is "the lucky one". I can not sit here and say my situation is any worse than anyone else in this battle. My friends whose children are "in remission" are so very blessed to have their children with them, to be able to spend time loving and hugging them, but they also have the fear of the next scans, the what ifs, the when will it all fall apart again, they are never "really" out of the fight. While we are all fighting for a CURE and we are all looking for the WHYS... the here and now is still so precarious regardless of the outcome.

6 months ago Bryce earned his angel wings. My biggest battle right now is trying to make people realize that life does not "go on". You don't "get over it". Things don't go back to "normal". George and I have been pulling closer together, we have been unintentionally distancing ourselves from people in our lives. We learned early on in Bryce's illness which friends we could rely on and which ones would be there for us. We clung to them and relied on them to keep us sane. Now that Bryce is gone we are realizing which friends are still trying to understand us and our situation and not expecting us to be "normal". I don't want people to think that every "bad" mood I am in revolves around Bryce and I certainly don't want to be using my heartbreak as a crutch...what I am saying is that when I say I am in a Bryce mood and I really don't want to talk to anyone, kinda just want to lay in bed and watch TV... I expect my friends to say I understand call me later if you want to or I will call you tomorrow... basically what I am saying is that this was my child... my son... a piece of my heart...and when I am having a Bryce Day please try and understand that. I am trying really hard to surround myself with the people that are healthy in supporting my ups and downs.... Most of you know that I am very upbeat and genuinely the sarcastic funny friend, but sometimes I need ME time, there is no telling what the trigger will be, there is no guarantee something I saw or did yesterday won't affect me today... it's hard to understand but that's me. I've been in Bryce's room hundreds of times, its the playroom now, but today, for some reason the smell of the Scentsy got me... What can I say!

It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. ~Colette

Raising Awareness and Missing my baby while being Selfishly Lazy!

I don't even know where to start. This post has been started, erased, restarted, erased again. My mind is all over the place, I am in a place right now where my mind can't keep up with me, so I apologize if this is choppy or seems unfinished. I have been very tired, but unable to sleep. I have had headaches but no sickness with it. I have been motivated but can't possibly get out of bed to do anything. I need to clean the house, I need to clean the garage, I need to do the laundry, I need to go to work...and yet I have no desire to do anything. Is this depression, is this my body finally saying you don't have to be strong anymore lets take a little time to download and process. They say grief comes in stages, is this another stage? Have I finally been given downtime that I was not privy to when Bryce died? How on earth do I get people to understand that I am not blowing them off, I am not trying to be a bad friend...what I am is a broken hearted mommy that is being "selfishly lazy".

As we are coming up on 6 months without Bryce, George has come across the "National Angel Quilt". We have both said that we will do EVERYTHING possible to spread the word about Childhood Cancer and help to raise funds to find a cure, so George contacted them to have Bryce added to the Quilt. We have chosen this picture to adorn the Quilt as it tours the US. We will also be able to write on it, we have chosen some quotes and a few special comments about Bryce. The Quilt also has a book that tours with it sharing the Children's Journeys. I am so honored that Bryce will be included in this amazing opportunity to spread awareness!

National Angel Quilt:

http://makenoise4kids.org/about.cfm

We are also getting closer to September when I will be joining the 46 Mommas in Washington D.C. where we will stand together as one for the kids. As Momma Mindi said the other day ... "Hair grows back... Kids Don't". I can't wait to meet the most amazing Momma's I know... You don't know strength and determination until you have met a Cancer Momma (or Daddy)!

http://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/mypage/participantid/414671

Depression, is not a sign of being weak. It is a sign that you have had to be so strong for too long

~ Unknown

A"normal" blog from a "Not so Normal" Mom

Wow I can't believe I am actually going to write a "normal" blog. Ok well sort of normal anyway... George and I decided to take a mini vacation to San Antonio, Wade's in Florida for the summer so we figured what the heck a mini vacation would be nice. I thought for a moment that we were going to have to cancel on Sunday morning when I woke up and I felt like my eyeballs were going to shoot out of my head, but it turned out to be sinus pressure from allergies and after sleeping ALL Sunday and most of Monday it went away.

We stayed at the Omni La Mansion Del Rio, which is right on the Riverwalk. The hotel is Beautiful, laid out a little strangely but the room was awesome the details were cool, wood beams on the ceiling, a brick wall in the room and the entrance door (for our room anyway) was double french doors. Pretty neat. We found out later that this property use to be St Mary's Institute, in the late 1800's and later, 1931, St Mary's University so the layout made more sense. Needless to say we like it a lot!

Our first day we decided to walk to El Mercado...um yeah it's like 106 degrees here to have lunch at La Margarita (which was suggested by several people). The food and service was great but the walk damn near killed me... LOL! When we returned to the hotel we rested for a little bit and then hit the Riverwalk. We figured we would walk down to the actual mall, it's air conditioned after all. And what do we find? A store called "Primarily Purple". Yup you guessed it Purple Monkeys, several different kinds... Hello Bryce :-) we are having a great time, thanks for stopping by to check on us! George and I were both so stuffed from lunch that we decided to skip dinner and head over to Howl at the Moon. I forgot how much fun Piano bars were. Now keep in mind my "piano bar" experience is at JellyRolls at Disney's Boardwalk Resort so they are limited in what they can and can not sing and/or say... Needless to say Howl at the Moon was not. We were entertained with the musicians, there were 4 (2 pianos, 1 guitar and 1 drummer, they all rotated)... they had their iPhones out and when they didn't know the words to a song they would pull them up...if they didn't know a song they would listen to it real quick on the phone. It was funny, oh how did we ever live without the Android phone.... We had a great time. I would like to thank the "Boston Cream-Tini" for an excellent evening!

Day 2 we decided to go to Schlitterbahn, New Braunfels. Um... yeah! This is the one that you see on the Travel Channel. The Number one Water Park in the US, the One that beats out Disney's Water Parks year after year, the best of the best... Um... NO! I may just be Disney spoiled but this was the most annoying park I have ever been to... Let me see if I can do this justice, it is located in the middle of a residential area so they don't have property to expand, so what they did was build a new park about 5 miles away from the original... So, you park at which ever lot has spaces and go up to buy your tickets. You get a wristband that allows you access to either (later we found out its actually 3) and then they have a bus that takes you from one to the other. Ok, weird.... so George and I ended up parking at the Original Park. We knew right away that we wanted to go to the "New" park for the slides you see on the Travel Channel, so we bought our overly priced tickets, got our wristbands and onto the bus we went. We got over to the "New" side. Upon arrival there we realized um, yeah this is 2 parks too... So we hiked it, about 2 football fields from one side to the other and proceeded to wait an hour and a half for Master Blaster (the water coaster). After that we floated around the "wave pool river" twice and then hiked it back to the other side for the Dragons Revenge. Dragon's Revenge was really cool, I liked that one a lot but for $100 i'm pretty sure I was a sucker to their Travel Channel reviews. A hike back over to the other side to get our things, a bus ride back to the Original Park and we left. It was HOT, it was annoying and it was nowhere near what we are use to in a water park. Perhaps we will try the Galveston Schlitterbahn, someday! When we got back to the Hotel we went to BBQ lunch on the River and then nap time for Amy! My nap was followed by "Date Night". George had set up a really nice dinner at The Chart House Restaurant which is at the top of the Towers of America (which is like the SpaceNeedle), its a rotating restaurant at the top of the tower. Again Martinis made the night a little sillier (I don't ever drink so...) Dinner was really good, the company was great too! George and I had a really nice time.

Today we are heading home. A nice little getaway. Time for George and I to just hang out together and have fun. We really needed this. Back to the grind, to real life tomorrow.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in. ~Robert Orben

It Seems Like Just Yesterday... Or was it Forever Ago!

Years, they come and go, they pass by in the blink of an eye. As we go through year after year we often say "I can't believe it's been a year". I turned 36 years old this week, I sit here and think WOW, it seems just like yesterday I was in High School, It seems like just yesterday that I started working at Disney, it seems like just yesterday... this is a statement that goes along with the happy memories, things we enjoyed, had fun with or had the opportunity to meet great people during. "It seems like just yesterday is NOT something that goes a long with the loss of a child". It seems like FOREVER ago because we are missing them deeply and are trying so hard to hold on to that one last moment, that happy time, those feelings as they slip further and further away.

One year ago this week we were at Disney World on our family vacation, Bryce's first trip to Disney. One year ago his hair was growing in for the first time in his life, he was extremely happy, he seemed to be getting healthier, it seemed like we might just beat the cancer... One year ago we were very hopeful that Bryce would be able to beat the monster.... This week we went to Disney World, one year later... a family of 3!

Wade spends the summer with George's family, he has been doing this for the last 3 years, in Orlando. It's his "summer vacation" and started out as a way for George's parents to have special quality time with Wade since they don't live by us. The first year it was just on a whim, last year it was to help us out so we could focus on Bryce's treatments, this year it is to give Wade a fun summer where he is the center of attention. He looks forward to it all year, mapping out all the things that he is going to do. How many times he will go to Disney World, play at the playground, etc. He loves this time! George and I look forward to it as well, it gives us time to focus on each other and work extra shifts. This year though we are a little somber too... It is the first time in many years that we have had an "empty home". Bitter Sweet. We are happy to have time to spend together, knowing Wade is having a Blast, but...

George and I just got back from dropping Wade off for the summer. We spent the last 2 days laying by the pool at Disney World. Of course Wade keeps us laughing, silly little things like on the airplane, the Flight attendant gave him his Sprite and instead of saying Thank You, Wade said "You are so inspirational"... I about spit my soda out! He is such a funny kid... We had a really nice time just hanging out at the pool. Wade really loved it and it was nice to relax. Now... it's back to the grind. 2 months to get the house cleaned up, painted, reorganized... Get the garage cleaned out, spend more time with George, work overtime, and try and make time to have a Great Summer "Vacation" for ourselves!

I also wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone for helping me with my Birthday Wish. I posted a challenge for everyone to donate $1.00 to my St Baldricks account http://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/mypage/participantid/414671 for my birthday, a Way to help childhood cancer research, my goal was to try and raise $500 for my birthday. You all are amazing and I can not say thank you enough as my birthday donations came pouring in raising $660 in less than 24 hours... Simply Amazing!!!!!

A year has passed, our family has changed, our hearts hurt, but we promise to make this the best summer we possibly can! Day trips, dinners, movies, quality time. I want to look back on this summer and think "it feels like just yesterday"

“For yesterday and for all tomorrows, we dance the best we know”~ Kate Seredy